The wali's guide to vetting a suitor: questions, checks and red flags

To vet a suitor in Islam, follow three steps. Agree her non-negotiables with her, ask the man a set list of questions, then check his answers with people who know him. She decides whether to accept him; your vetting makes sure she decides with the full picture.

What are a wali’s responsibilities when a man proposes?

A wali’s job when a man proposes is to protect her rights. He hears the proposal, vets the man, represents her, secures her mahr and conditions, and concludes the nikah only with her consent. If you are new to the role, start with what a wali is in Islam.

Dr Shadee Elmasry’s well-known checklist for walis on MuslimMatters puts it bluntly: “Being a wali is not an honorary role.” The time to protect her is before the nikah, while walking away is still easy.

Serious brothers expect to be vetted, and how a man reacts to fair questions tells you a lot.

Before the first call: agree her list with her

Before you speak to any suitor, agree with her what she is looking for and what she will not accept. You are representing her, so you need her list, not yours. Cover at least:

• Deen: how practising she wants her husband to be.
• Non-negotiables: for example, the five daily prayers, no smoking, or living in her city.
• Study and work: whether she plans to finish a degree or keep working.
• His history: whether she would consider a divorced man, a man with children or a man who is already married.

Agree what she wants to hear after each call, and when she will speak to him with you present. The final yes or no is hers. If she is unsure what she wants, the pre-set preference options at IslamicKnot sign-up give her a starting point.

The first call: 15 questions to ask a suitor

The first call puts the facts on the table: ask every suitor the same questions, in a friendly tone, and write the answers down. These are the questions to ask a potential husband on the family’s behalf, and they work as rishta questions too. For UK families, see also checking a rishta before saying yes.

Tell him at the start that you ask everyone the same things. Then cover:

1. How did you find her profile, and what made you get in touch?
2. Do you pray the five daily prayers, and where do you usually pray?
3. What does practising Islam look like in your daily life?
4. What do you do for work, and how stable is your income?
5. Do you have any debts, such as loans, credit cards or money owed to family?
6. Have you been married before? If so, how did it end?
7. Are you married now, in any form, in any country?
8. Do you have children? If so, who do they live with, and what support do you pay?
9. Do you have any health condition that would affect a marriage?
10. Tell me about your family. Do they know you are looking, and will they be involved?
11. Where do you want to live after the nikah, and with whom?
12. How do you feel about her studying or working after marriage?
13. What do you have in mind for the mahr?
14. What timeline do you have in mind for the engagement, the nikah and the civil registration?
15. Who can I speak to who knows you well, such as your imam, your employer or a friend?

Listen to how he answers as well as what he says. A vague answer on money or marriage is a reason for a second call, not an instant no. For what the couple should discuss later, with family present, see questions to ask before nikah.

Ten checks before you say yes

After the call, check what he told you. Several of these checks come from Elmasry’s checklist, summarised in our own words.

1. Ask people who know him. Speak to his imam, his employer and long-standing friends; Elmasry suggests at least four people. Ask how he treats his family and how he handles money and anger.
2. Look at his public social media. Check that his public life matches what he told you.
3. Check his finances. He need not be rich, but he must be able to provide a home and maintenance (nafaqah), which is his duty in marriage.
4. Ask for health disclosure. Ask him to share any condition that would affect the marriage, and offer the same openness in return. Some families exchange recent medical check-ups; keep it mutual and private.
5. Meet his family. Visit more than once if you can. How they treat one another is a good guide to how she will be treated.
6. Confirm his marital status. Islam permits a man more than one wife, but hiding an existing marriage is deception. Ask his imam and family too, and if he says he is divorced, ask to see the paperwork.
7. Get his commitment to civil registration. In many countries a nikah alone is not a legally registered marriage, so she may lack a wife’s legal rights. Agree when the marriage will be registered; see is a nikah legal in the UK?
8. Agree the mahr in writing. Elmasry advises paying a good part upfront, with the rest written down and signed. Keep it within his means; see how much the mahr should be.
9. Set a time limit on the engagement. Elmasry suggests a few months is enough to prepare and test commitment, and more than a year is too long. Agree a date for the nikah.
10. Hold a chaperoned meeting. She meets him with you or another mahram present, never alone (Sahih al-Bukhari 1862). If he lives abroad, start with a video call with you in the room.

Red flags: when to slow down or stop

Some behaviour should slow you down, and some should end the talks. Muslim Women’s Network UK lists several in its guidance on online romance scams, including money requests, secrecy from family and dodged video calls (MWN Hub).

• Secrecy. He wants to keep things from either family, or suggests a quiet nikah first.
• Rushing. He pushes for a nikah within weeks, before your checks are done, or declares strong feelings very early.
• Money requests. He asks her or the family for a loan, an investment or help with costs.
• Avoiding family or video calls. He always has a reason you cannot meet his parents, or keeps cancelling calls and meetings.
• Anger at being vetted. He takes offence at fair questions or a request for references.
• Refusing civil registration. A nikah he will not register leaves her without legal protection.
• Residency or visa motives. A brother abroad is not a red flag in itself. Pressure to marry fast, or vagueness about his status, is.
• Pressure on revert sisters. He tells a revert she does not need a wali, or offers to arrange one himself. Her wali is arranged through her local mosque; see our page for revert sisters.

What should a wali not do?

A wali should not reject a good man for the wrong reasons, ignore her wishes or let the process drag on.

Do not turn away a practising man over race or ethnicity. A well-known hadith tells families to marry their daughters to a man whose religion and character they are pleased with (Jami’ at-Tirmidhi 1084). Scholars grade it differently: al-Albani graded both narrations hasan, at-Tirmidhi called the second hasan gharib, and the Darussalam editors grade both weak (Jami’ at-Tirmidhi 1085).

The Qur’an is plain on the principle: the most honoured of you with Allah is the most righteous (Al-Hujurat 49:13). Many classical jurists counted lineage within compatibility (kafa’ah). That is a right she and her wali can waive, not a licence to look down on a Muslim.

Do not ignore her consent. The Prophet ﷺ said a virgin’s permission must be sought, and he annulled a marriage a father made against his daughter’s wishes (Sahih al-Bukhari 5136; Sahih al-Bukhari 5138). You can advise against a man and refuse an unsuitable one, but do not give her to a man she has not accepted.

Do not drag it out. Checks take weeks, not seasons. A wali who keeps turning down suitable men without good reason can lose his guardianship to the next wali or a judge (IslamQA 95405).

For a ruling on your own situation, such as whether a refusal is justified, ask a qualified imam or scholar.

If you are her mother

Mothers often do the searching, and many are the best judges of a family. You can read profiles, speak with his mother and sisters, and see how his family treats one another.

In the majority view her wali concludes the nikah, so work as a team with him. On IslamicKnot the number on her profile is her wali’s, so agree in advance who asks which questions. More in our guide to helping your daughter find a spouse.

If you are her brother acting as wali

A brother usually becomes wali when their father has died or does not qualify, and there is no paternal grandfather. He can be younger than his sister, as long as he is an adult (IslamQA 99696); see who can be a wali.

She is an adult, and she may be older than you. Ask what she wants before you decide what you want for her, and consult your mother and elders. Hold each suitor to the standard you would want applied to you, and take fiqh questions to your imam.

How does IslamicKnot support the wali?

IslamicKnot is a wali-first marriage website: every enquiry about a profile listed with a wali goes to your phone, not to her. Men browse reviewed profiles free; to contact a family, a man pays once and receives your number. There is no private chat, and the sister is never messaged directly.

Before his first contact request, every man makes a five-part declaration, the first four parts beginning “I bear Allah as my witness”:

1. He keeps the five daily prayers.
2. He will never ask her or her family for financial help, and won’t expect her family to pay for furnishing the home.
3. He is able to start a family: he has a halal income and no illness that would prevent marriage.
4. He doesn’t abuse any substance, and if he smokes, he says so openly.
5. He has read her profile and requirements, and what he wants matches what she wants.

If he answers no to any of the first four, his account is closed. These are his declarations, not facts we have verified: your first call and your checks are how you test them. See what brothers commit to before they call you.

• A paid filter. He pays once per family he contacts (US$5 for one contact, US$12 for three, US$15 for five), with no subscription. It deters casual browsers, but it does not prove sincerity.
• A Verified badge. Guardians who verify their identity get one.
• Control. From your guardian account you can pause the profile, mark it “in talks” while you vet someone, and choose every photo.
• Free for her and for you. Creating and keeping a profile costs nothing. Every profile is reviewed by hand, and our team checks that the number belongs to her wali; see how it works for guardians.

Printable checklist for vetting a suitor

Print this or copy it into your phone, and tick each item before the nikah.

Before the first call

• Agreed her non-negotiables with her
• Agreed that the final yes or no is hers

The first call

• Asked all 15 questions and wrote down the answers
• Asked directly whether he is married now
• Took the names of people who know him

The ten checks

• Spoke to at least four people who know him
• Looked at his public social media
• Confirmed his work, income and debts
• Exchanged health information, both ways
• Met his family, ideally more than once
• Confirmed his marital status independently
• Agreed civil registration and when
• Mahr agreed: part upfront, the rest written and signed
• Nikah date set within a few months
• Held a chaperoned meeting or video call

Before the nikah

• No red flag left unexplained
• She has prayed istikhara and given clear consent
• Imam, witnesses and written mahr arranged

Sources

• Dr Shadee Elmasry, “So You Are the Wali, Now What?”, MuslimMatters, 28 September 2019
• Shaista Gohir, “Online Romance Scams: Red flags and Safety Tips”, MWN Hub (Muslim Women’s Network UK), 2020
• Sahih al-Bukhari 1862: a woman travels with a mahram, and no man visits her without one present
• Sahih al-Bukhari 5136 and Sahih al-Bukhari 5138: her permission, and the case of Khansa bint Khidham
• Jami’ at-Tirmidhi 1084 and Jami’ at-Tirmidhi 1085: “religion and character”
• Qur’an, Al-Hujurat 49:13 (quran.com)
• IslamQA 95405: Her wali repeatedly refused suitors
• IslamQA 99696: Who is the guardian after the father?